Author: MJT
Co-Parenting: Putting
the Children First
Co-parenting occurs when divorced parents intentionally
create a parenting plan that puts the needs of the children ahead of the needs
of the parents. The parents go beyond
whatever the court has ordered, and sit down together and purposefully plan how
they will parent their children. In
addition to visitation and holidays, a co-parenting plan includes several rules
for dealing with issues.
The child is never put in the middle, between the parents.
That means that the parents must communicate directly and
often, no matter how uncomfortable that is.
The child must never carry information from one parent to the
other. The parents must talk frequent so
that both know what is going on with the child, and what is going on in both
families.
The child’s relationship with each parent is supported and
encouraged.
Parents do not try to one-up each other or curry favor with
the child. They don’t denigrate or
criticize each other, either, and they don’t allow the children to criticize
the other parent. A co-parenting
agreement should state that both parents will respect the child’s relationship
with the other parent. Issues between
the parents stay between the parents and are not discussed in front of the
children.
Boundaries and rules are agreed upon and enforced in both
households.
Bedtimes, TV limits, when friends can stay over…all the
rules that were in force when the family lived in one household have to be
renegotiated and reinforced. Keeping
them consistent in both households gives the children more stability and
security.
Both parents discuss any discipline issues.
Children will push the limits of this new situation, they
will try to play the parents off against each other and they will act out. The parents must communicate frequently about
any behavior issues the child has. They
must agree on appropriate discipline and both parents must enforce the
discipline. If Annie is grounded for a
week for putting gravy in Dad’s fishbowl, Mom has to be aware of what happened,
and Annie has to be grounded at Mom’s house, too.
Co-parenting allows the children in a divorce to remain
children. It minimizes the disruption
the children experience and allows them to heal from the divorce more
quickly. It establishes and enforces
healthy boundaries and ensures consistent rules and discipline. It costs the parents emotionally because they
must set their differences aside in order to put the needs of their children
first, and it’s a bit hectic. When
parents divorce, co-parenting assures the best possible outcome for their
children.
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